Emilyclarkewo's Blog

Men Piss Me Off!

emilyclarkewo — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 02:43:27 +0000

Today in SAC class everyone was talking about the Tinman Marathon which takes place tomorrow. Mason Shantz was saying how his only goal was to beat Erin Schnore to which Ryan Bauman replied “Really? You should maybe set a higher goal,” a comment which made me think in my outside voice “Asshole!” A conversation ensued as to how men are proven scientifically to be superior athletes and women are slower and don’t have the endurance and stamina of a man and are basically only built to give birth. So Ryan, since Erin is competing in a “Man’s” activity by running, swimming and biking I say we have you try and do what women are built to do. First we will strap 2 litre bags of milk to your chest, then for a year you can enjoy a period complete with excruciating cramps that make you barf and a weeks worth of bloody tampons, the next year you can be pregnant, so you can go through morning sickness, stretching skin and being kicked in the gut by a little gremlin, then we can implant an 11 pound weight into your abdomen (11 pounds, the size of the baby that my cousin delivered naturally) and have you carry that around with you for awhile, then after a suitable amount of time we will sit you down and have you try and piss out a grapefruit over the span of a days time and after you have completed all those tasks we can have another talk about endurance and stamina…Asshole.

Ps I don’t care what science says, Erin could kick your ass running, walking, and biking even despite the fact that she’s carrying 2 litre sacs on her chest! GO ERIN!

Confederation Club Luncheon

emilyclarkewo — Tue, 25 May 2010 18:37:10 +0000

So I won a history award and was invited to go to a luncheon at the Delta hotel in kitchener to receive the award. You were allowed to invite guests but unfortunately my parents were in Ireland for their 25th wedding anniversary so I brought the next best thing…Jane Honek (I love you Jane!). This was my first time driving in downtown Kitchener, on top of that there was construction and I couldn’t find the hotel. It was scary, but on the up side I only almost killed one person and he was on a bike so it didn’t really count. Any way we finally reached the hotel with high blood pressure and went up the first flight of stairs that we found. Down the hall there were a bunch of people but we weren’t really sure of where we were supposed to be, so Jane and I went downstairs to find reception but apparently you need to go around to the front of the building to get to the main lobby. After walking around to the front of the building Jane and I asked the lady where the Confederation Club luncheon was…it was in the room we had just left. When we got back upstairs we received our name tags and where informed that Jane and I would not be sitting at the same table. After seeing the look on both of our faces the lady pulled some strings and was able to put us both at the recipients table. We sat down with the other students where the most awkward hour and a half ensued. When the meal came Jane and I were thrilled to see that our beef had been freshly killed and was still bleeding all over the plate. The day continued to get better as Jane had chunks of fat stuck in her teeth and I embarrassed myself by sitting down before they had finished their little blurb about me. Then Jane and I felt disgusting from eating the raw meat. It was a wonderful day at the Confederation Club.

Sobituary

emilyclarkewo — Mon, 24 May 2010 15:42:45 +0000

Emily Catherine Clarke peacefully punched out of Sobey’s for the last time on Saturday May 22, 2010 surrounded by friends and Co-workers. She began her employment only a year earlier and left too soon. Although Emily’s time was short she will be remembered as an enthusiastic employee with a true passion for processed meats and one of the strongest slicing arms seen in decades. She was found to be happiest when slicing her favourite meats such as head cheese, liverwurst and macaroni and cheese loaf. Emily worked as she lived, by the slicer. Dear Co-worker of Tiffany Bender, Andrew Doherty, Lisa Cressman and a shit load of other people, Emily will be greatly missed. She leaves behind her apron, Sobey’s hat, beloved Khaki pants and her favourite hair net. If you would like to pay your respects to the Sobey’s family you may visit the down town New Hamburg Sobey’s deli from 8 to 9 Monday through Friday or 8 to 8 on weekends. As expressions of sympathy donations may be made to the “Emily Clarke’s University Fund” or the “Emily Clarke Cute Shoes Association.”

Finish Line

emilyclarkewo — Sun, 16 May 2010 03:50:07 +0000

Today is May 15th, my last exam is June 18th. The finish line is in sight I can taste victory, but I am so tired. I can barely put one foot in front of the other, and although I can see the finish line it still seems miles away. I feel like I’m going to fall over soon and have to claw my way to the end. Is anyone else struggling to make it through these next couple weeks. Good luck to everyone I hope you all survive…

Southern Voice

emilyclarkewo — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:54:32 +0000

I was driving the van the other day and I turned on the CD player. The melody to the song that started playing was so beautiful, it turns out my mom had bought Tim McGraw’s new CD “Southern voice.” It is absolutely incredible! I love every song. There is one called “you had to be there” that makes me cry. It’s about a Dad who goes to a jail to meet the son he abandoned at birth. Even if you don’t really like country you should still give it a listen because the lyrics and messages behind his songs are so moving. The only thing I don’t like about Southern Voice is that it only has 12 songs and I want there to be more!! Go out and buy the CD or youtube it or go to itunes and download it, especially if you like country music because you will love this CD

To the Human Race

emilyclarkewo — Tue, 11 May 2010 01:18:16 +0000

To the Human Race:

I hate you and hope you all die. You look at your starving neighbour and keep eating thanking God it’s not you, you look your brothers and sisters in the eye and kill them where they stand, you shit all over the earth taking everything expecting more caring little about the damage, you turn your eyes away from the pain of others and block your ears to the sound of their screams hiding behind pathetic excuses, you love the money in your pocket more than anything else, more than the children, the children you abuse simply with your neglect. Money is your love, money is your solace, money is your God.

Happy 18th Birthday

emilyclarkewo — Mon, 03 May 2010 18:18:55 +0000

On April 30th I turned eighteen years old. Now normally I find my birthday to be a joyous occaison, there is typically cake involved and presents and just a general euphora because I was born on this day many years ago. However my 18th was not so special. You see I chaperoned the grade ten Ottawa trip…big mistake. I was completely shocked at how some of the grade tens treated us chaperons. We were repeatedly told to “Fuck off” and when one chaperon asked a girl to put her shoes on while she was in the hallways at the hotel the girl said back “who the Fuck do you think you are.” Needless to say they weren’t very pleasant. I was on the night shift for the trip and all my friends were on the day shift, so while they were out partying at night I was all alone dealing with kids who got their head stuck in the revolving door at the hotel, and while they went with the group during the day I was alone in the hotel room. Finally the day came to go home (my birthday) We got into the bus and started our journey back and we tan into into stand still traffic! We literally were moving a couple of inches and then stopping for hours. I spent my birthday on a bus with snotty grade tens in traffic. When I got home I had to sing at a concert and it ended up going so late that I couldn’t even go out for supper with my family. This was my not so happy 18th birthday

Sticker

emilyclarkewo — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 02:01:30 +0000

It all started out rather innocent. I was slicing dead animals just like any other day at Sobeys. However today was different, Lauren had called in with a migraine and Andrew and I were left alone to run the deli. While Andrew was over cooking I was left alone to slice, which brings me back to the slicing of dead animals. I was slicing some nice dead pigs covered in a sugar glaze, when I looked up and saw that there were four more customers waiting in line. Being the totally dedicated and efficient employee that I am, I began to hurry to finish the orders to get the customers their meat faster. This is when the madness began. It started with the sticker. Now for those of you who aren’t knowledgable in the ways of the deli we take price stickers, fold the zipper over and put the sticker on top. We do this for the simple reason that if the zipper seal is broken the meat won’t fall out. Well as I went to place the sticker over the zipper the customer I was serving speaks up and says

“Um excuse me can you not put the sticker on the zipper, it breaks the zipper and ruins the bag.”

Now this was a big request! I would be going against my training, my whole method as a professional deli girl. But as the goal at Sobey’s is customer satisfaction I decided that I would follow the mans request and not place the sticker on the zipper. I assumed that this whole obsession with the sticker placement would die but the other four customers waiting in line had heard and were taken over with their passionate feelings about stickers and plastic bags, they decided to all give me a piece of their minds.

“Ya why do you do that! Why do you put the sticker over the zipper, you shouldn’t put the sticker over the zipper it ruins the zipper, Why wouldn’t you put it somewhere else the zipper is the most illogical place!”

“What are you thinking, have you ever tried to take a sticker off a zipper! Are you trying to give me arthritis!”

“STICKERS AND ZIPPERS! IT’S A CONSPIRACY”

Now, I understand how the customers would think that as a highly important deli girl I make all the decisions about things that go on within the Sobeys deli, but they are sadly mistaken. I have very little say in the placement of the sticker on the plastic bag. However they did not know this and were blaming me for all their misfortunes! I never knew how deeply people cared about this. I started to feel an impending sense of doom, they were all pressing their hands against the counter on their tippy toes trying to get a look at the offensive sticker. One man had spittle gathered in the corner of his mouth as he passionately declared his rage at the sticker bag situation. This was when I started to fear for my life, they were starting to form a mob, I knew I could try and beat them all off with a stick of hot Genoa salami but I couldn’t hold them forever. And that was the moment that I had a revelation, the sky opened up and I realized my job was utterly unimportant and not as glamorous as I had always thought. They were yelling at me about stickers! Well the shit hit the slicer! I threw down my conductor hat ripped off my hair net shaking my hair in their meat and I told those asshole customers right where they could stick their stickers before I stormed out yelling ”I’m FREE, you can all go and kiss my…”

Except I didn’t do that. No, I served them their meat with the sticker not on their zipper, which seemed to calm them down, and when they left I slowly walked into the freezer, calmly shut the door behind me, and screamed my lungs out. God bless Sobey’s on a Sunday.

Non Fat Extra Hot No Water Easy Foam Tazo Chai

emilyclarkewo — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:34:26 +0000

Starbucks

your narcotic drinks slip warm down my throat

coating my stomach with the heat

I sigh as the frothy tenticles wrap around my heart

squeezing and causing me to lose my breath

as I drink your life giving brew it gathers on my lips

kissing me, saying “I love you”

It’s blissful happiness, the soft cup in my hand

trying to contain the heat that seeps into my fingers

loving them

I know I shouldn’t have you, but you pull me back

until I’m sick and need you to survive

and when that time comes that I cave

I taste your spicy goodness once more

I know

That I cannot live without you

Respect

emilyclarkewo — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 20:37:43 +0000

I am proud of my school. Today a lot of us in Writers Craft had the chance to go see Claude perform his illusion show and it was quite enjoyable! At the end of the show he thanked us all for coming and he told us something that really surprised me. Apparently at the other high schools he has performed at, kids make fun of him and his team as they walk into the school. He said it was typical for him to have to stop the show about 5 times so a teacher could come up and tell the kids to quiet down and stop being disrespectful. It made me feel proud when he said that our school is one of the most respectful schools he has ever performed at. I know that WO isn’t perfect and like any school we have our issues, but for the most part we are a good bunch of kids. There is always some idiot in the crowd who tries to be a wise ass, but I see other students telling them off for being a jerk. I am glad to be a part of a school where people are mature enough not to act like mean idiots all to get a laugh. I will always proudly wear my green and white.